Imagine for a minute a fish

I found a Word file in My Documents with this title

"Imagine for a minute a fish"

it was "last modified" aka created, 4/14/2010 at 3:00AM.

So, curious, and not remembering what I wrote about at 3 in the morning requiring the preface of fish imagery...

I opened it.

This is what I found:

Imagine a fish.

This fish, called Sal, is the fastest fish in the ocean. He is renown across every sea—The Atlantic, The Pacific, The Indian, and even The Arctic. Many fish wish they could swim like Sal. Now imagine another fish. This fish is called Marlin. He is a young fish, ready to take on the world. Growing up, he spent every day training. On non-training days, other fish would challenge him, and lose drastically. This eventually would  

and it just ends like that

I am not sure WHY I wrote this, or even if it WAS me. I don't know if I was on stronger medications that night, or if I was "drunk typing". (I've never "drunk typed", because that would first require being drunk).


As many of you know, I take many strong medications daily, just to help me get through the painful existence of my day. I was first going to post something all dramatic, or philosophical, but then I just decided to say it's because I'm in pain a lot. These medicines help take away some of that pain. It's difficult to take the right amounts though. Because my pain fluctuates daily, some days I may only need a little bit of morphine, but other days I may need a lot of morphine, and even more percocet. Sometimes it's hard to know if I need to take a lot or a little in the morning, before I start the day. On occasion, I take too much. (I get "high")

I don't like this feeling.

Sure, it is "fun". Who doesn't like not-caring about anything, and not being in pain, and not being respectful, and making a fool of yourself. (ie, I tend to talk a lot... If I'm quiet, I'm in pain... if you can't shut me up, I've taken too much...)

so, yeah, it may be fun, but I don't like it.

I would rather be myself.

I would rather say things because

I mean to say it.

I wish I didn't have to deal with these drugs.

when I'm in pain

I get really cranky

but when I am required to go and socialize with friends, it usually involves physical activities which means I will either be in pain, or have to take some of this medicine, so that I can avoided being rude, and not fun to be around. The problem is: Am I actually fun to be around when I'm high? When I am annoying? When I talk to much? When I am disrespectful? When I am inappropriate? When I don't care about my friends and family?

I DO CARE.

I DON'T WANT THIS PAIN.

BUT IT IS MY PAIN.

AND THROUGH THIS TRIAL, 

MANY WILL BE BLESSED.

I have learned that we all have trials in our life. They are all BIG PROBLEMS to us, but may seem like little problems to others. When we endure through these trials, we get blessings from our Heavenly Father.

We're not the only ones who receive the blessings.

We're not the only ones who are affected by our trials. Others are blessed too.

Sometimes we may not realize that they are blessed.

they are

I hope that through the trials that I have faced in my life, others have been blessed greater than I have. I hope that they will find the courage and strength to fight through their trials too. I hope that someday, we may see all the people whom we've blessed from doing what's right - even when it's hard. I know that Christ has suffered all that we've suffered. Turn to him if you need help through a trial.

He is there for you

He is always there

I KNOW this to be true. He has granted me strength many times through my years. I KNOW that He loves us. I KNOW that He loves you. I KNOW this, because I have felt His love. I have prayed, and He has confirmed. 

I hope you too, feel His love.